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Spiritual Living
My French grandmother Justine was a fabulous cook. She spent hours each day preparing meals for her family, and her house had a wonderful fragrance, a combination of the herbs that she hung to dry and a seemingly ever-present roast. She often shared with me the stories of growing up on the family farm in Toulouse -- the fresh milk and butter, the bread that my great-grandmother baked daily, and the large stews that cooked slowly all day and fed her eight brothers and two sisters. The care with which she took to preparing her meals spilled over into all domestic aspects – she was an amazing gardener, and kept a beautiful, although quite simple, home. Somehow, though, my grandmother never seemed rushed, even though she also ran a business with my grandfather. She had an amazing ability to take her time with everything, and to me as a child it seemed to me to be the very expression of love. She was French, and she had a French way of doing things. And though I sadly haven’t inherited her domestic talents, she has been a role model for me in terms of living a simple, natural, and green lifestyle. I see natural parenting – really, slower parenting – as a spiritual path because it calls you to continually strive for more attention, more focus on the things that our culture tells us is unimportant – things like allowing children to experience play rather than rushing into learning to read, for example. Our culture tells us today that parenting is all about the end product – a successful child, whatever that means – rather than about the process. Natural parenting is being focused on the process of childrearing and letting go of the end product. So, I guess to most people we live an alternative existence. We buy approximately 90% of our food from local farms, and don’t really eat processed foods, at least at home. I’m lucky enough that my kids are pretty healthy haven’t needed any medications so far, and we use natural modalities like essential oils when they do get sick. The trade off is that when they do get sick I need to be home with them, and so I’ve spent a great deal of time on ways to make money staying home, because unlike a few years ago, we are no longer able to get by on one income. But even though buying organic, locally grown food is more expensive, we can afford it because we give up other things like eating out (which is difficult anyway with an 18 month old) buying soda and snacks, and making most of my own cleaning products with inexpensive vinegar and baking soda. We also save on clothes by recycling them among friends, which has been a really great way to save money. We don’t buy dvds or lots and lots of toys, and at the risk of sounding extreme, we don’t really watch television, so my kids aren’t even aware of all the toys that are being marketed to them. Our kids get toys for Christmas and birthdays and we buy stuff that we know they’ll enjoy and that they can use creatively for a long time. And we have plenty of books. Of course, my children attend school and so there’s birthday parties, play dates, and we have friends who don’t follow the same lifestyle we do. My kids eat birthday cake, my daughter is very well aware of the Disney princesses, and I still get my hair done and love a glass of wine and chocolate. I realize that I can’t shelter my children or force my views on them excessively or they will rebel. But I profoundly disagree with what our commercial culture tries to sell us about what is healthy and even what it tries to sell us as food, and I’m trying to pass along the value of eating natural, real foods to my children. I’m also hoping to send a message to my children that there is always an alternative and following the crowd is never a necessity. I’m hoping that by removing all the technological interference that is such a huge part of life today, that they might grow to learn who they truly are rather than feeling pressured into choosing a life that seems like a good idea. So, natural parenting has brought me a deeper reliability on my self, which has given me courage to pull away from the parts of our culture that I find harmful – but also has given me a greater understanding of our need for others and connection to nature. It’s my hope that my children will become LESS commercialized and become even more independent as they grow and raise families of their own. And it is my greatest wish that they will be happier for it. How do You Deal with Difficult People? From time to time, when I’m having a really good week, or a really good month, I become spoiled by the ease that life takes on and I mistakenly think that life will continue without issues all the time. Ha! Even if by some freak of nature I live life relatively problem-free for a while, before long someone enters my life to remind me, it seems, that there’s no way to escape difficult people.
I don’t mean to sound like life would be a bed of roses if it weren’t for others. I’d still have my own issues to struggle with. But, it’s only through our relationships with others that we are put face-to-face with the pieces of our egos that still need work, and boy do these people love to rub our faces in it at every moment they can. Now, I’m not going to mention specifics here. We all have family members who point out the five pounds we’ve gained over the holidays, or the neighbor who stops you in the supermarket to gossip, or the acquaintance who grills you in the school parking lot about your personal life. I always wonder who the difficult people are for them? Is it someone like me, whose obviously trying to get away from them as quickly as possible? Or, maybe difficult people have a really difficult husband or wife, someone who makes them feel inadequate all the time so that they feel compelled to make others feel that way, too. It seems that they must have grown up with a difficult mother or father, someone who made them feel bad all the time, which is sort of sad. Sort of, except for the fact that they’re taking it out on the rest of us.
The struggle for me is, How do I deal with difficult people in a way that protects me from their abuse, but also ensures that I’m not being abusive right back to them? I used to think that it was impossible to deal with difficult people, so my way of dealing was to avoid them. Of course, this doesn’t work, because they sense that immediately and pursue you with even more interest.
The other problem I have is I don’t want to be mean right back to someone who’s unkind to me – even if they deserve it. For example, I had a cousin who was very mean to me as a kid. She would purposely exclude me whenever she could, and I spent a lot of time at family gatherings feeling sad and left out. Finally, when I got older, when she made a mean comment to me, I lashed out and called her all kinds of names – surprising everyone, especially myself – and she immediately retreated (like most bullies do when you stand up to them). From then on she respected me, but our relationship was based on power and who could be the toughest – something I’m really not interested in at this stage in my life.
So, here’s what I try to do, although by no means is it what I always do. I try to handle the situation as kindly as I can without being rude or mean. Then, I use the experience to focus in on the things that I still need to work on. Maybe someone excludes me (or one of my kids – do you notice that your kids can often represent an extension of you?) and it’s really hard for me to get over because it reminds me of how my cousin treated me as a child. I try and sit with the feelings and trace it back to its origins. Then I focus on my “inner child” and saying the comforting things that I wished an adult in my life said to me at that time. It takes time, but it really does work to soothe old wounds.
It seems that again, perspective is key to remaining happy. If we look at difficult people as continuous teachers for us to look inward, it feels more empowering than if we look at them as people who are always messing up our happiness. We can use difficult encounters with difficult people as opportunities to look inside ourselves and see where we still need to do personal work.
That said, I’m also a big believer in removing yourself from the firing range of abusive, destructive, and malicious people. There’s no need to expose yourself or your family to people who truly wish you evil and will malign you, or purposely hurt you if given the chance. You can still use the experience to look inward, but setting limits as to how far this person can go is important.
So, finding the balance between difficult people and removing ourselves – when we can – from the most destructive people we know, is key toward protecting our selves, and using life to grow.
Study Finds Anti-Depressants to Have Virtually No Effect Astudy done in February 2008 revealed that antidepressant drugs have virtually no affect on most forms of depression, and that for even the most severely depressed patients, the effects were minimal.
What I find most interesting about this study is that it reveals that depression is more than a biochemical mishap, but a spiritual disease. I’m the first to say that increasing your intake of foods rich in the b-complex vitamins, probiotic-rich foods, and adequate vitamins A and D can offer your body the nutrients that it needs to function optimally, loosening the hold that depression may have on our brains, which may very well be depleted of valuable fats. However, I experienced relief from depression before I changed my diet, through using essential oils. And while I can pretty much explain why it has helped me and lots of others, the reality is that it’s a bit mysterious why they work so well. I know it has something to do with a spiritual response that I feel when I use the oils. It’s a little like Reiki, which I practice. I can’t explain exactly what Reiki does or how it works, but I feel it when I’m giving it, and I know it’s good.
The essential oils that I use from Young Living are extremely high quality, and I think that this is helpful when working to obtain the healing element of a plant. To use one of my favorite examples, let’s talk about milk. Fresh from a cow raised on clean pastures, raw milk contains valuable nutrients, powerful enzymes and good bacteria, and is instantly recognizable to our bodies. If it is heated, as in pasteurization, it loses much of its nutrient value, and the proteins change, become flattened and crooked, and are now something our bodies don’t recognize and may mount an immune response against. Plants have been used since the beginning of time in the healing arts, and essential oils extract the most healing elements of the plant. When we don’t overheat or change the essential oil with synthetic fillers, our bodies recognize and respond to the familiar plant essence.
Could the pharmaceutical industry be simply providing a simplistic response to a complex and varied emotional/spiritual/physical/mental disease like depression? While neurotransmitters are crucial to our overall sense of well-being, they clearly have little to do with happiness at least in the long term. For me, the combination of good food and essential oils provides the right combination of nutrients, fats, and good chemicals that keep my mood balanced. I believe that spiritual meaning has more to do with emotional happiness than any particular chemical component, and I don’t believe that there is only one way of believing. For some of us, a traditional religion is the right path, and for others it may be simply taking a walk in the woods. The important thing is not what we believe, but how we feel when we are connected to what we find important. It’s those moments in which we feel connected to something larger than our own lives that sustain us during the difficult moments that we all endure. Having the ability to reconnect to that feeling of wholeness is key to moving past depression by allowing us to experience all of our emotions, and not be stuck in any of them.
To learn more about Young Living essential oils, including how to order,
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Would you Choose to Live 100 Years? I recently read about Betty Lowe, a woman who recently celebrated her 100th birthday, still active and happy. It caused me to wonder about living to a great age like 100 and what exactly that requires.
When considering longevity before, I’ve made the mistake of thinking is that I simply a matter of health. However, reading about Betty and her volunteer work and her active, connected life, I realized that attitude has probably just as much to do with longevity as does luck and good health. Living to 100 requires a finesse and not a small amount of courage, and an ability to remain positive, find joy in connections with others and to always see the beauty in life.
I had a grandmother who lived to be 97. She might have actually been older, as there is some dispute over her real age, as we know that she lied about her age for many years. She did this probably because she was a bit unusual for her time in that she had her children at an older age (40 for her first child and 47 for her second) and that she could pass for much younger. In addition to marrying and having children late in life, she also ran a successful business with my grandfather and achieved a good amount of success for someone who immigrated to the United States from France at age 16. She was a very determined person who did not let life get her down.
What I remember best about my grandmother is the wonderful food she cooked. Her house was always filled with the fragrance of coq au vin or some other slow-simmering delight, and her kitchen counters were stacked with fresh vegetables that she might be chopping for a salad. She loved dandelions and made fresh crepes with sour cream and fresh blueberries. She truly enjoyed cooking and feeding her family. She had disdain for doctors and I don’t think she had an annual checkup until she was approaching the end of her life, when they discovered that she had a brain tumor that probably had been there for many years. She gardened and drove right up until her 93 birthday, and was bright, articulate and alert to the end. She had all of her teeth which were naturally straight.
I believe that part of her ability to live such a long life had something to do with the fact that she was born and raised on a farm in Toulouse, France, where she was well fed, and drank plenty of raw milk, butter, and other nutrient-dense foods for the early years of her life. The fact that she remained off of medication her whole life also seems to me to be an important factor. But what was it that made my grandmother outlive all of her friends and her husband? She was a fairly solitary person, but she had her passions and spent time every day doing work she loved . She loved her grandchildren, and visited with us, and for a time I lived with her. She and I were great friends, and she often told stories about her early life. It seemed to never occur to her to stop living. She was running a household in her early nineties and she never thought that there was anything spectacular about it. When we lived together we would wake up on Saturday mornings and she would say, “What should we do today?” and I always wanted to do something with her, as she was so creative and interesting. However, if I had plans with friends, she never pouted or made me feel guilty. It was her life and she didn’t need others to fill her day, she simply continued with her plans, engrossed in the activities of the day.
I remember one day I came home from work and my grandmother was unloading rocks from the trunk of her little Asta. She had gone to the local gardening store and purchased several bags of medium sized stones for her garden. She never discussed her plans with anyone, never asked for help, even thought she probably “should have” due to her age. In fact, she was hard to help, as I remember when I tried to help her in this particular instance. What she needed was an assistant to carry out her vision, which I was happy to be. Over the next few days, she created an amazingly beautiful Japanese-style rock garden, one that professional landscapers would have a hard time duplicating. I remember being truly amazed that she was able to design this rather large and intricate garden in her head, with running water and plants and flowers perfectly placed. She was an incredible artist, who used food, gardening, and the home as her canvas.
What I take from my grandmother is the belief that life needn’t stop simply because one reaches a certain age. It is crucial to have your passions because the truth is that you may outlive your friends, and your family may not necessarily have time to spend with you. Ultimately, it’s our responsibility to create a life worth living, right up until we have to stop living it. My daughter is named for my grandma Justine, and I hope that she inherits some of her namesake’s spirit. What I hope remains with me no matter how long I live is the courage to keep living a meaningful life, even when society thinks I’m too old to do that. I’m working on the good health part right now, but I can always hope for a little luck, as well.
Guilt -- A Good Motivator? Do you feel guilty when you do something for yourself?
Recently, my really good friend invited me to a weekend away from the kids (she’s also a mother to two small children) a few hours from here, at a small farm/B&B-type place. The food is organic, there’s a natural spa nearby, and it wouldn’t cost us a lot of money because her friend would give us a discount. There’ll be walks in the mountains, meditations by the lake, and even some pampering, if I like. This sounds like a dream weekend to me, so, why do I feel guilty saying yes? Is it because I’ll miss my kids? They get to spend the whole weekend with their father, nothing terrible there. Is it because I’m too busy? Well, I can certainly get things done before I leave. Is it because I don’t believe I deserve it? No, it’s not that… Could it be that?!
Isn’t it funny that we can do things for others very easily, and in fact may do so all the time, but when it comes to doing something for ourselves – even if it’s something that will really benefit us – we may feel resistance? Now, I’m going to take this trip, despite the fact that I feel guilty about it, and I’ll tell you why: my entire journey of recovering from depression has involved doing things that made me feel guilty initially, because depression affects our thought patterns . Our thought patterns are affected by our beliefs (in fact they are an extension of our beliefs). I’ve found two really powerful ways to change my beliefs, and one is through action and the other is through affirmations
Those of you who read regularly may be familiar with how I’ve used essential oils combined with affirmations in order to create positive associations with new, good beliefs. Briefly, this is what I do: I place a few drops of my favorite essential oil blend from Young Living, called Joy, which always lifts my spirits, on my heart center. Either aloud or silently, I make an affirmation, like “I am creative, happy, and realizing my fullest potential.” Since Joy always makes me happy (great name for this product, obviously!) I felt happy while making the statement, even though I might not have actually believed it at the time. However, after repeating that little ritual, day after day, making positive statements, I began to believe that I could be happy, creative, and realizing my fullest potential.
Now, you might be reading this saying, well, what’s there to feel guilty about here? Lots. First there was the taking the time out of my day to perform an activity about which I felt, quite honestly, a bit skeptical. I did it anyway, despite what I thought. Second, the essential oils I were buying were expensive, and I wasn’t used to spending money on myself and again, was skeptical whether they would actually help. I purchased them anyway, based on a leap of faith, combined with the experience of someone I trusted. And third -- and this was no small thing, believe me – it was pretty scary for me to name what I wanted most in life – happiness – because what if I didn’t get it? Short story to illustrate my point: there was a guy in high school who I had a secret crush on for a long time. I never told anyone about it, because while there was the possibility that he may actually have liked me back, there was also the possibility that he might not have known who I was, and simply ignored my feelings, which would have felt worse than having my crush from a distance. Much worse. So, I was afraid to ask something of life, for fear that life might ignore my feelings, which seemed worse to me than being depressed.
However, I’m here to say that life won’t ignore your feelings, and that I believe the universe will do everything to answer your request. Which leads me to the second part of changing your beliefs, through action. In my experience, the universe loves action and gives you lots of support exactly where you need it. You’ll know that this is happening because you’ll feel energized and motivated, and things will start to open up, problems will seem less overwhelming, and opportunities will arrive. And, sometimes the action might seem counterintuitive – like taking a weekend away from the kids with a good friend – but you just never know what new opportunities, ideas, or contacts the action will provide. So, take that step, even if it makes you feel guilty. It could be the first step toward transforming your life.
Perspective -- Make it a Good One Recently someone who was very depressed her whole life, with suicidal thoughts for many years, shared with me the story of how becoming very sick changed her perspective. It was ironic, she said, how she had wanted to end her life so many times, and when actually faced with the prospect of her own death that she suddenly gained the will to live. In fact, years after recovering from her illness, she feels she is blessed and enjoys life to the fullest.
Now it wasn’t as simple as it is described here, and in fact she has worked hard to create a life worth living and feels connected to many good friends. But the interesting point is that our perspective really does have a huge impact on how we feel. For me, I realized that I had fully recovered from depression when we endured a series of financial difficulties that arose simultaneously as we created a family. Throughout all the stress, struggles, and financial woes, it was somehow easy for me to see beauty of my children, and ironically, I felt blessed, despite our misfortunes. In fact, taking joy in my children while we were struggling felt to me like a beautiful metaphor for life, which is at once difficult and incredibly beautiful, always. None of us go without struggles, but the good news is that none of us get to escape the beauty, either. It is always there for us to see, if we choose.
Perspective is only one piece of the whole picture, and I believe it’s a combination of many factors physical, spiritual, mental and emotional, that can bring real freedom from depression. That said, how we view the world and our role in it is pretty important. It seems for each of us, how we come to the conclusion that life is actually good is a unique journey. Here’s some questions that might help you view your life in a positive way:
~ What is it about your life that is better than most other people’s lives you seen? Do you have a particular talent, ability, or knowledge that other people lack? How has this served you in your life?
~Are there others who have similar or worse situations than you? Are there ways in which it is easier for you, even if these differences are minute?
~Are there others who’ve overcome the struggles you are now enduring? For example, we’ve all heard of people who’ve come from extremely distressful situations in childhood, like war, extreme poverty, and abuse to become happy adults. What is it about their lives that can be of use to you?
~In the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life the main character realizes how much he had touched the lives of those around him during his life. Who are the people you’ve touched and in whose lives you’ve made a difference for the better?
~Envision what it would mean to have a happy, creative, fulfilled life. Think about specifics and try to create as real a picture of this life in your mind. Write down all the elements that you desire. Create a plan that will help you realize at least two of those goals within the next year.
~What if you were an older, wise person encountering yourself at this stage of your life. What words of wisdom would you pass on to yourself? Spend some time meditating on this idea and write down your thoughts.
~Above all, make it a goal to be happy. Even though there are some of us who seem to be blessed with the ability to have a happy temperament, at some point it is work for all of us to maintain a positive perspective. Even though you may not feel it, make a promise to yourself that you will have happiness. You deserve it.
Changing Belief Patterns using Essential Oils People often ask me exactly how essential oils help with depression. The answer is that they work on many levels, body, mind and spirit. One example of this is how they help us to change our belief systems.
What we believe has a huge impact on how we feel, as well as how we react to what happens to us in life. It shapes how we view the world, and is the main filter through which we shape our perspective. As a child, we start to adopt belief systems, usually from our parents. If we didn't feel safe and loved as a child, that will shape how we view the world as an adult. If our parents presented the world as an adventurous and exciting place, that has shaped our perspective, just as if they presented the world as a scary and dangerous forms our present views. This colors our interactions with others, for good or bad, and it also colors our interactions with ourself. We have beliefs about nearly everything, and it's an interesting exercise to simply observe what our beliefs are as we go throughout the day. Do not judge yourself for your belief systems, as they most likely came about from your childhood, when you didn't have a choice in how the world seemed to you. However, if you'd like to change your belief patterns, know that you have much control over how you view the world today, and how you react to the numerous events that occur on a daily basis. From these reactions, we create our lives.
When I first got started using essential oils, I would apply them while I simultaneously affirmed something that I wanted to be true. For example, while I applied Joy over my heart chakra I might have said, "I face life with dignity, grace, and joy, each and every day." Now, I knew at the time that that wasn't true, but this is what would happen: the smell of the oils was so powerful and stimulating that I would feel good as I was saying my affirmation. There are numerous studies that show how our sense of smell is a powerful pathway to our emotions. I was experiencing a positive association with that statement and feeling good. Another affirmation I might say would be "I am able to see the beauty in life in even the most seemingly insignificant moments." Again, I would feel good while I applied the oils and have a positive association. I did this day after day, month after month, and guess what? I started to feel the emotions, and I began to view the world in a different way, in the way that I was affirming.
Before I started using essential oils, I had done some work with affirmations. However, I didn't receive the results I wanted until I started using the particular blends that were designed for mood balancing. I'm going to be writing about this way of changing belief patterns in my ezine over the next few weeks.
While I haven't got the capacity yet to have commenting on my site, I'd love to hear from you about what you would like to see addressed. I know many of us feel burnout, or exhaustion, while others of us might feel overwhelmed. I look forward to hearing from you about your particular experiences so that I can formulate specific exercises and meditations for my ezine and ebook (coming soon!).
July 2008 The Good and the Bad -- It's all Part of the Ride Don't we all, secretly, really want life to be only good?
Of course, we all know that life is a combination of many emotions, happening simultaneously. At any given moment I can feel happy, annoyed, confused, and a little anxious. The trick is to be able to accept all these feelings at once and stop trying to fight the ones we don't like.
For example, my family recently took a vacation to the mountains. We had a great time, especially the kids, who loved running and playing outdoors with the children of friends we traveled with. We had great conversations, enjoyed an amazing outdoor concert, ate wonderful food and wine, and had lots of laughs. The traveling part, however...
The challenge for me was not to let the difficult parts -- crying children who do not enjoy sitting in car seats for an extended period of time and who require lots of interaction -- overwhelm the wonderful part, which was real quality time spent together as a family.
I practiced a meditation I learned from Dr. Jennifer Howard, which was to imagine holding both experiences --the enjoyable and the difficult -- in either of my hands at once. I visualized the enjoyable feelings in my hand as light, airy, and smooth, and the difficult feelings as heavier, more angular, and dense. Rather than wishing the heavier feelings would become more light, I simply "held" both of these feelings at once, until they morphed and began to feel naturally balanced and indistinguishable from each other.
I love this meditation because it provides a visual for living a balanced, emotionally intergrated life. In order for our feelings NOT to become out of balance -- as in depression where sadness becomes the primary focus -- we need to work to accept ALL of our feelings -- not just the pretty, desirable ones.
What's helped me to do this has been the realization that even the most challenging experiences have brought my life some value. To take a much lighter example: during the difficult drive to the mountains I discovered that my son has an wonderful sense of humor and that he is a truly social creature.
Coming to this realization required several steps: I had to acknowledge that his fussing was making me angry because it interfered with my version of a perfect vacation -- something to do with quiet children in a car so that I could enjoy the mountain view. I had to acknowledge this anger and the feelings that lied beneath it, which freed it to dissolve. This allowed me to focus my attention on him, (which is the ever-present requirement/challenge in parenting, to turn our attention away from ourselves to our children) so that I could help him to manage his emotions. Through engaging with him we strengthened our bond, thereby enriching both our experiences.
I find it very healing to return to this theme of accepting both the pleasant and the unpleasant because it helps me to realize that life is BOTH of these things, at all times. I stop grasping for the unattainable -- an easy life -- if only for a few moments. I'm able to glimpse in to see the beauty in the midst of the struggle and often the beauty is so intimately connected to the difficult part that I have to laugh. How truly perfect life is, in the midst of imperfection.
July 2008 It's a funny age, 41.
Physically I don't feel differently than I did when I was 20 -- in fact, in many ways I feel better than I did then -- but I KNOW differently now. I'm more cautious, more careful of what I say, and I've had enough challenges in my life now to appreciate happiness and to recognize the myriad of opportunities it presents throughout the day.
I'm also old enough to realize that time is a deteriorating asset. I look at my children and can remember the milestones that they are experiencing and I feel as though I'm living more than one life at once. I'm remembering my own childhood, anticipating my older years, and trying to cherish the moments that are happening right now.
Living well -- experiencing the challenges and gifts that life presents you and using them to become a better and more whole person -- requires courage. Achieving our dreams, even the very smallest ones, requires that we take a chance. As I get older, living an authentic life is extremely important to me, and I don't care as much about fitting in with others.
This has been helped along by personal circumstances in my life, mostly financial, that have challenged me in such a way that it was necessary to redefine my life. I'm grateful for this lesson, as it has shown me that money is only a small portion of happiness, and if you don't have the foundation to support it, money can be simply a distraction.
But I changed -- I became more of myself.
What an amazing lesson life has presented to me: the necessity of being truly authentic. This requires courage because it presents the risk that you will be criticized and judged harshly. However, the payoff, the unfolding of a beautiful life, is well worth the risk.
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